anxiety

Thoughts by a Wannabe Not So Wannabe Blogger

June 14, 2020June 14, 2020by Becca Clarke3 Comments

Wow. The world has changed so much but also so little in 2020. It is not as if these new issues, new changes, new challenges are barely emerging but more that they have come to light. Humanity, our society, as a whole has been put under a spotlight. I haven’t liked what I have seen or felt. It overwhelms me and saddens me. I am glad that certain things are now being more publically fought for and change is being demanded but it is a lot to comprehend all at once. It is a lot to find a place and purpose in all of it.

I highly contemplated disconnecting from the internet completely – to avoid the stress and pressure to appear real, genuine, kind while being politically intelligent and correct. I have always felt apprehensiveness in promoting my own contributions to the internet, but especially now is it harder to share.

Also Read:Thanks COVID-19 pt. 3 (And Easter)

I have been at a loss at what to do concerning this little corner of the internet that I created for myself. I had a vision of it being a fun, full of light, place where I could share and experiment and help people while possibly make some money while doing it. But it is also easy to lose that vision to all the other feelings that appear when you share yourself to others.

I have never considered myself a writer, as I have never embodied or related to the “writer stereotype” you see on TV, in books, and at school. You know that person who is constantly working on their next debut novel and/or majoring in Creative Writing in college. I consistently received B’s and C’s for my papers in school. I majored in Music, avoiding as many classes that involved writing. Probably because I hate editing and revising while sticking standards. I don’t want to write a book or the next news breaking article.

But I love writing. I journal. A lot. Filling one each year. There are mostly filled with thoughts and feelings about boys, family drama, and questions about my future. A lot of times I feel like Anne Frank when she wanted to edit and revise those entries that revealed any sort of naiveness or youth. I do feel joy and relief to write it all out and it gives me a chance to contemplate as well as appreciate my world, but these entries are not written to share with the world.

Also Read: Thoughts by a Human…

I get passionate about things, ideas, books, and excited about my adventures on trips. And sharing those things usually turn into words in a text or an instagram caption. Those photos and videos that captured memories that I still dream about sit on my phone and I just have to share them. Because they make me happy.

This blog, when I started it 7 years ago on Blogger.com (remember that??) was intended to be another journal of sorts. But one that was visually pleasing, reader engagement-based, and even business-like. Full of consistently planned posts and Pinterestable graphics – essentially a journal worth the public reading. But it turns out that is not realistic nor interesting to me.

But you know what? I refuse to let all of these feelings of self-doubt and fear stop me. I LOVE to write. I love my little blog and this corner of the internet that I have created here at this website and on my social media profiles. I love sharing and seeing other people’s thoughts and art. I love learning from other human beings. But it is also fun. I enjoy writing these posts, designing graphics and headers. I enjoy posting and commenting and using this corner for good even if it only reaches one person, myself, per post. Well I enjoy it without the self added pressure.

I’m going to keep doing this – whether I have readers or likes. I am no longer going to worry about money or stats. I will start disengaging from the millions of articles titled “How to Build a Blog in 2020” and “How I Made X Amount of Money in 3 Months BLOGGING” on Pinterest. Now don’t get me wrong, when those things increase or I am inspired by these articles I feel an immense amount of joy and drive for this corner. There is also validation in my hard work. But mostly I love meeting new people and feeling that my world extends farther than my bedroom desk, especially now. I would rather have that fuel my work.

So… Thanks for the Adventure, Blog. I knew that this process would be hard at times and require some soul searching occasionally. But it’s worth it. I am excited to see where this goes. I am excited to share, create, research, read. I am excited to be publically passionate and supportive of other artists and writers. What a world 🙂

Socials : Instagram / Facebook / Goodreads

Life, Uncategorized

Thanks COVID-19

March 16, 2020March 16, 2020by Becca Clarke2 Comments

I don’t know where I was going with this when I first started. I mostly needed a place to express my feelings and show others that they are not alone in their feelings. But I also wanted to share some positivity. Browsing social media, listening to podcasts, and talking to friends on the phone I am finding that majority of us are in the same place. Feeling the same feelings and having similar thoughts. We are just processing in our own ways. I really hope everyone is safe and healthy, as well as doing their part to fight this virus and protect those around them.

Today (3/12/20) was a big day for the United States concerning the Corona Virus, and with that brings lots of thoughts.

I have seen many post-apocalyptic movies and have read many books (such as The Giver by Lois Lowry and Anthem by Ayn Rand)…

(3/14/20) Obviously, I didn’t get all my thoughts down on paper at the moment and I’m glad I didn’t. I was full of anxiety, worry, and sadness over all of the uncertainty.

I live in Ventura County (neighboring county to Los Angeles county) and I am in LA 3-4 times a week for rehearsals and social things. Wednesday I thought we would all treat it like the “flu.” Thursday came around and I started to feel the panic myself and by evening the entire future for many people was shaken. Within one day events and rehearsals and jobs were canceled. I found myself needing to writing statements for the groups I sing in and for my online job concerning the virus. I started getting really scared and realizing that it is more than “just the flu.” I was tracking articles and browsing Facebook and getting frustrated and overwhelmed with the conflicting information, opinions, and lack of sympathy from people. It was a lot.

I want to express my thoughts in my safe little corner of the Internet because writing helps me process and feel better.

—The panic is real. While it seems a little uncalled for and extreme in some places of the country, it is ok to be worried for your family and others. That being said, it does not grant permission to be unkind and selfish. Take what you need (not more than you physically need), share with others, and connect with each other. What other time in our lifetimes has the entire world needed to ban together to support each other…oh wait we always should support each other.

—The judgment of others is not okay, and I am guilty of doing this recently myself. Someone may seem to be “over panicking.” You may see their precautions or statements online to quarantine and take the situation seriously as uncalled for because they are “young,” or “privileged” or “healthy.” The truth is you don’t know. They may be young but have a compromised immune system due to invisible chronic illness or necessary medications. They may be in daily contact with someone they care about who is compromised or in the “risk” age group. We shouldn’t have to worry about what others are thinking of us and we shouldn’t be using our energy in making those statements. And these opinions aren’t new, as accusations like this were made towards others concerning the common flu as well. Let’s respect each other.

—Check your sources. The media is a sticky place to tread through right now. Don’t rely on a shared tweet or graphic with numbers on it, but with no sources. Read the whole story/speech/statement before sharing it or using it to support your argument. Acknowledge all the information, not just the bits that make you feel justified.

(3/16/20) Now, this is turning into a journal of some sorts.

It is now day 2 of my self-quarantine/social distancing. Yesterday I finished one book and started another. I am treating today like any other day sans going out. It helps that it is raining. While it adds to the doomsday feel, it makes staying at home more cozy and justified.

Bars, Restaurants, gyms, etc. are closed in LA (except to fulfill take out orders). Still waiting on more test kits. Numbers are going to go up and I believe that it is going to get worse before it gets better.

The panic and anxiety are subsiding. I am feeling safer and a bit more motivated to take advantage of this time to better myself and my future. Whether that be mentally, physically or even financially. The first steps have to happen somewhere and some point, and sometimes over and over again. Now is the time that I am choosing to start. (Again.)

My heart is hurting for my freelancer and artist friends who are losing their chance to share their art because of the loss of gigs or students. I feel fortunate, despite losing gigs myself. But I am sure the inability to perform and rehearse will get to me eventually.

I am worried about friends and family who live far away from me. I am worried about my friends in Salt Lake City and my family throughout the country in Washington, Utah, Texas, and Virginia.

I deleted Facebook off my phone, and it has been a lifesaver. No more stress over the misinformed and opinionated and judgment filled posts. Instead, I check it once a day and only see my friends at the top of my feed, which makes me happy. I am also spending less time on my phone. I have kept Instagram and I love it. My feed is full of positive posts, more credited information, music, singing, and books. Lots of books. I feel more able to control what I am absorbing through that app.

A friend posted this on his story and I absolutely love and agree with it:

“Have Courage and be kind. You are not privy to the details of everyone’s situation. Their pre-existing conditions, finances, their loved ones who are already affected. We are better than this. Sensitivity costs you absolutely nothing.”

So shout out to Dayne for sharing that. That has been the one thing that has really disturbed me during the past couple of weeks. The complete lack of empathy and concern for others. It makes me anxious and sad to see.

Now is the time to acknowledge the art and beauty in our lives. Listen to your favorite music, discover some new music. Look at some art and read some poetry. Humans are incredible and it is interesting that people are turning to art and artists during this time. Whether that be through their TV, books, Spotify, etc. I am loving listening to podcasts and music. I am reading more and more. But I haven’t gotten into Netflix yet. For whatever reason, within the past year, I have not enjoyed watching TV. Although I am super excited about the free Metropolitan Opera broadcasts this week…

What a crazy, crazy, time.

Thanks for the adventure, Corona Virus.

Bucketlist, Life, Uncategorized

My Scary Bucketlist Goal…

October 19, 2019October 12, 2020by Becca Clarke3 Comments

With #worldmentalhealthday last week and the latest trends of #mentalhealthawareness I have felt the pull to share my personal experiences and thoughts on it. That was part of my list of original intentions of why I started this blog. (See my About page…)

But in all reality, I have been TERRIFIED. I have had posts planned and half written for months. I have been scared of any sort of backlash – legitimate opinions that I am not qualified to share because I am privileged with wonderful friends and family. My struggles are no where near as terrible and painful as someone else next to me. I have been scared of sharing what I feel is one of my biggest weaknesses, and the thing that I have been most ashamed of the past couple of years.

The truth is: I know what it’s like, for me, to not understand why I am feeling so sad in such positive and exciting circumstances. I know what it’s like to jump from overjoy to depression in the matter of moments. I know what it’s like to not be able to breath from anxiety. I know what it’s like to not be able to eat because my insides are curled up from panic. I know what it’s like to have panic attacks where I am physically sore for days after. I know what it’s like to sob. I know what it’s like to be in the dark. I know what it’s like to question my worth and value due to my mental health, which can be hard to explain to others.

Fear is one of the biggest attributes of my life and when I see friends and myself shying away from potentially incredible moments because of fear I’m usually the first one to say, “Go for it! Since it’s scary it will only be more worth it!” but that is much easier said than done. But I’m going to do it and make it part of my Bucketlist…

Do one scary thing.

It is a Bucketlist item that will always be re-added to the list, because there will always be something scary to do, share, say, sing, live, attempt, etc. Once this, sharing my mental health journey, is not as scary, there will always be something else to add.

So take a listen to those closest to you. Understand that you won’t always understand, but are willing to share love. Be a listening ear and be willing to share. Whether that be with yourself in a journal, to a close friend or family member, or a therapist (highly recommended!)

Please comment, message, share! I know connecting with others always helps me (so I may be being a little selfish in wanting to make more internet friends ;)) so please message away!

Follow on my socials at:

Instagram – @thebeccaclarke

and Facebook

Thanks for the Adventure, Scary Bucketlists….

Life, Uncategorized

What It’s Like to Move to LA (pt 1)

September 28, 2019by Becca ClarkeLeave a Comment

LIFE UPDATE!

It has been a full summer since I moved from Salt Lake City, UT, to the Los Angeles area. Lots has happened. Opportunities and disappointments have been abundant. Emotions have been felt ranging from utter sadness, conflicting “homesickness,” to joy, ultimate motivation and excitement. Overall this has been the best decision for me, and I feel that am in the right place.

***Disclaimer – take what you will, if you do, from my pieces of advice. These are things that I wished I believed just 3 months ago when I started this new adventure…***

So first for the most exciting parts of my new “LA life”…

MUSIC

In case you were not aware, I got my undergrad degree in music. Music is my passion and I hope to make it into a full, fledged, career. I am still figuring out how I will use my passions to support my life and how I can genuinely spend all of my time doing what I love. Whether that be through performing or other avenues of work within the music and entertainment world.

I jumped into auditions the first day I “lived” here. It was a whirlwind and I had no expectations going into it, which was probably the best way to do it. I most likely a post will come of some of my unique “Becca Moments” I’ve had at some of these auditions…

After lots of driving, and searching Facebook for audition notices…I am officially a member of the Christmas Matters Holiday Carolers! So get ready LA for Dicken’s-era dressed Becca to swoon you into the Christmas Spirit.

I have been dying to be back in an a cappella group again since graduating. I LOVE the genre, the people, the music, performing style, the challenge, basically everything about it. So again I jumped onto Facebook and Google and found a couple of groups auditioning…

I am officially a member of Top Shelf Vocal! This group is incredible and I feel so honored to be a part of it. I LOVE the people and feel like I am finding a place in LA with them. I am overwhelmed with the talent and I feel like I am learning by simply sitting in the room with them. The music is fun and there are some exciting projects planned… So good!

Not only did I audition for one a cappella group, but another one came across my radar… I am so excited to also be a member of Premiere A Cappella!! I have never been in an all female group and I’m STOKED. These ladies are incredible and sooo welcoming. They are helping me get out my shell and I love being around them. And of course singing with them. Again the music is fun and there are some cool opportunities coming….

banner-2 — Official Logos of Top Shelf Vocal and Premiere A cappella – please visit their websites and socials!!

I also jumped back into the religious scene to find a side gig… I have just started as the piano accompanist at a local Methodist church (which just so happens to be located a couple minutes from the beach…) I really am very excited about this opportunity. I really enjoy being involved in other religious services. The music director is phenomonal and really felt like I had found a mentor and friend within moments of meeting. I am excited to have a reason to practice my piano skills again, as well as learn new ones. There may also be more excuses to put together fun recitals and sing my classical rep again!

I am so grateful that these opportunities came about fairly quickly. I am also very proud of myself for putting myself out there and taking the plunge into so many scary auditions. I feel that this is just the beginning and I am so excited to do more music and meet more like-minded people here. LA really is an amazing city for music.

***Advice – it sounds cliché but…TAKE THE AUDITION! You just never know. Share your voice!***

JOB

The job search has been rough TBH… I had allotted myself one month originally as a “vacation” for myself – to allow a transition to happen as well as a chance to explore opportunities. I wanted to find a social group, figure out what field I wanted to explore jobs in, and figure out the lay of the land – AKA how far I was willing to commute. I wanted to explore my new city(ies) and feel that I belonged. And get all the nitty gritty stuff done like residency and such. But one month turned into three (without income) and it has been rough, but eye opening and I am very grateful for a supportive family and friends who are willing to take late night phone calls as I complain, cry, and obsessively talk about job applications.

***Advice – have multiple months worth of savings saved in your bank account. You deserve that time to become a human again after making a new change. Explore and become connected with your new surroundings. But save more than you think, no need to stress more.***

After multiple phone and in person job interviews…and companies “ghosting” said interviews I did snag a temp position at a local photography company. It’s small and part-time but I enjoy the people, the new skills, and the much needed money. I am still actively scanning Indeed.com, Google Jobs and LinkedIn as one does in this day in age.

I always heard the statement that, “Job hunting is a full time job.” I didn’t believe it, but now I do.

***Advice – it’s OK to spend hours on a computer finding a job.***

FRIENDS

This was one of the biggest things I was worried about. I thrive around people, but I can be painfully shy and get very overwhelmed in highly social situations. I hate small talk, but want to have conversations. Social anxiety is also a very real thing.

***Advice – give yourself some credit for trying! You did it! You went to the thing! You talked to the person! You put forth effort! Even if an immediate friend doesn’t result you tried.***

***Advice – it is also OK to stay at home, when you are overwhelmed by the drive or the energy or the unknown. You know your limits.***

I have been brave and have forced myself to go to small social events through religious groups, I joined a few Facebook groups that are based locally and are specific to my interests, and the music groups I am now a part of have been a huge lifesaver. My new music fam is the source of my feelings of feeling welcome and excitement to be here.

***Advice – it WILL happen naturally. Find the places and the things you want to invest your time in, and you will connect with like-minded people. And you will most likely have some fun while doing it.***

There have been very strong feelings of homesickness and missing my close friends in Utah. But technology and social media is amazing. I feel connected still, sometimes a little too much and needing to cut back on phone time…whoops… Phone calls are my jam! I love talking for hours, catching up, hearing their voice, and laughing.

There have also been some anxiety surrounding this – feeling worried I’m bothering people or worrying why they haven’t texted or called back or that I’m being forgotten. Normal millennial worries, right?

***Advice – don’t worry about how others are thinking about you or if they’ve forgotten you, etc. Don’t torture yourself, waiting to see if they will reach out first when you just want to say “Hi!” You are thoughtful, and it is okay to text first or to call. Just how you want to know that you are being thought of, they deserve to know that you’re thinking of them. Just don’t obsess, tear yourself down, and avoid your new friends in the process. True relationships will last.***

ADVENTURES

There has been some exploring, thanks to Utah friends visiting and family adventures. Some I’ve documented here such as in Thanks SD. I will, hopefully be updating more! I try to spend time at the beach, at least once a week and see a different sight or building in LA everytime I’m driving through. I’ve seen most of the “Hollywood” sights, been to a Dodger game, and experienced some of the best sunsets I have ever witnessed.

Every experience whether that be a rehearsal, job interview, a new book at the beach, party, restaurants – they are all new adventures. Everything is new!

Don’t get me wrong, I am exhausted. I have a day-to-day grind and it never stops. I’m up early in the morning to late at night. I drive (a lot). The driving and traffic here is insane but a way of life. Positively, I have found some new podcasts though… I don’t have many moments to myself, but more so than I had in Utah. I am motivated to practice my music, read more, run more, absorb the sun more, and be more.

What an Adventure.

Thanks for the Adventure, LA!

Socials!!

Top Shelf Vocal – Facebook and Instagram

Premiere A cappella – Facebook and Instagram

@thanksfortheadventureblog Facebook and Instagram

Personal Instagram !!

Please give a follow, like, comment! I’d love to talk with you! And go have an adventure!

Life, Uncategorized

Thoughts by a Human…

August 9, 2019August 9, 2019by Becca Clarke2 Comments

It has been one of those weeks…changes have been happening, positive and negative. Contemplating life. And having no job, more time, results in lots of thoughts. This is my space of the internet and I would like to share those thoughts. Please share yours or share this!

So here are some thoughts by a human (me)…

Human existence is amazing. So much can happen to one human being on this planet. And there have been so many human lives, each of them unique. Every view of the world is unique and beautiful in its own right. Every comprehension of human life, what was before and what is after is unique. Maybe that’s why it is so hard to find the truth. Is there one certain truth to life? Or just our own unique truths? How you want to exist in the world and possibly the next (if you believe in that of course!)

Maybe that’s why I, personally, don’t believe in coincidences? Because every moment, person, experience, and emotion I have felt has shaped me, very uniquely, to the human being I am. And I wouldn’t change it. I can’t imagine a different self, because what has happened to me, happened. Again I wouldn’t change that.

It’s amazing how much our perspective of time changes through our lives. As a child there is so much time. A year is a large portion of our lifetime. Our natural existence fills the time. As we grow older priorities and responsibilities fill our time. We manipulate our time to alter the way we exist. We can change the direction of our lives with a single choice. We can change the direction of life to find a existence that we love and feel fulfilled in. What power, yet we are still at the whims of time, health, the Earth, those we love and hate, societal expectations, personal expectations, emotions… the list goes on and on.

I think our own emotions are the most difficult part of life. We are at their mercy. They are constantly changing. We can’t anticipate or control them. Sometimes they appear so strongly that we become consumed, forever changed by them. They are the one thing that we can’t put into words. The deepest parts of our souls, I believe, reveal themselves through our feelings. To others in our lives, they can never be fully justified or even proven.

So there is nothing wrong with dictating our lives based on our feelings, emotions, or a feeling we get from something or someone. They may lead to mistakes or even better, triumphs.

Every emotion is a success of the human experience. It means we are here and alive. Even with the darkest and most lonely ones.

We do, and should, try our best to respect ourselves – our “souls”, whatever that means to you, and our emotions. We should also respect others. We are all the same. Existing together, uniquely. No moment of time and space is the same from before or after that moment. It’s okay to clutch to some of those moments and to let go of others. But we should never try to only in one, single, moment. Always moving forward.

It’s okay to cry or jump for joy. It’s okay to share your failures and triumphs. It’s okay to view the world and all that is holds differently from those around you. As long as respect and love are given. That is what is at the core of kindness and morals. All are valued, important, worth, loved, respected – no matter where they are in their experience.

We are all human.

Thanks for the Adventure life. And thoughts.

Life, Travel, Uncategorized

Top 5 Reasons Why I Travel

July 18, 2019by Becca Clarke2 Comments

Myself and Mr. Jasper have been feeling a bit under the weather today…which means no long post that I have been planning but haven’t finished yet. That is my reality this week. But I am getting quite a bit of doggie cuddles so I won’t complain too much…

I want to share my top 5 reasons why I LOVE to travel. I used to experience quite a lot of fear and anxiety when planning and traveling for trips. But after a few mishaps and fantastic adventures that fear has turned into a constant itch to explore. I do not consider myself well traveled, which I intend on changing soon, but I have learned quite a bit and have enjoyed my few meager experiences exploring this world we live in.

It gives you a break from “real life.” Our everyday lives are important, beautiful, and should be full of joy but they can also be stressful and boring in some instances. As humans, for the most part, we thrive off of routines. Our jobs are important. I mean they help fund fun experiences…Our friends and family are a support system that is necessary for life. Everyone’s “real life” is different and wonderful. But having a break to go and experience something totally out of the norm is incredible. Getting out of the daily routine for a week or two (or more…), for me, helps me get out of the rut that I feel after doing the same sort of things.
You can travel alone. Traveling, to me, is simply exploring someplace new with a bit of uncomfortableness added to it. I personally hate doing anything alone so forcing myself to explore a nearby city alone for an afternoon is huge for me. It brings me out of my comfort zone which in return forces me to interact with the world as well as get to know myself.
You can travel with others. You can share these really cool experiences with the people you care about. You become bonded over something that you will never experience in the same way again. Traveling with friends is a dream. You instantly become closer and bonded. They laughs increase and the inside jokes multiply. Up to this point, my favorite way of exploring is with friends.
You learn about yourself. I have learned my limits, both small and large, by traveling. I know what kind of things I like to invest my time and energy on. (I love walking aimlessly for hours and museums and bookstores are my cup of tea.) I know what kind of things I should and shouldn’t spend my money on. (Who likes unpacking from a trip and finding that you really don’t care about that certain souvenir…But food. Food is worth the money.) I have learned how long I am capable of walking and being on my feet. I have learned to recognize my crabby qualities that I appear when I am hungry or tired and how to fix them before I disrupt the group’s flow. I have learned, that for the most part, I am willing to try every food and I will typically like it. I have learned that I actually do like traveling, despite the fears that I still experience when traveling.
Travel shows you that this world is a lot smaller than we think. Humans are all alike, despite our obvious differences in culture and language. We are all simply trying to find joy in our lives. We all need food, shelter, water, and comfort. I love that connection you feel with strangers as you explore a tiny part of their life or trying to order food in their language. Traveling teaches so much respect to those who are willing to try and see the world. This world is seemingly large with all of its differences, dangers, and misunderstandings but in reality it is insanely beautiful. There is so much history we can learn from, so much food to try and love, so much to see, and so many new people to meet. And it is all plane ride away.

So here you go. These are my top 5 reasons why I love to travel, at least in this moment. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts and experiences on this crazy little space I’ve created for myself. I’m excited to start sharing my stories, pictures, and videos of some of the places I have fallen in love with.

Comment some of your reasons! I want to start a conversation and get to know people!

And…

Thanks for the Adventure World.

Tag: anxiety

My Scary Bucketlist Goal…

What It’s Like to Move to LA (pt 1)

Thoughts by a Human…

Top 5 Reasons Why I Travel

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