Thoughts by a Wannabe Not So Wannabe Blogger

Thoughts by a Wannabe Not So Wannabe Blogger

Wow. The world has changed so much but also so little in 2020. It is not as if these new issues, new changes, new challenges are barely emerging but more that they have come to light. Humanity, our society, as a whole has been put under a spotlight. I haven’t liked what I have seen or felt. It overwhelms me and saddens me. I am glad that certain things are now being more publically fought for and change is being demanded but it is a lot to comprehend all at once. It is a lot to find a place and purpose in all of it.

I highly contemplated disconnecting from the internet completely – to avoid the stress and pressure to appear real, genuine, kind while being politically intelligent and correct. I have always felt apprehensiveness in promoting my own contributions to the internet, but especially now is it harder to share.


Also Read:Thanks COVID-19 pt. 3 (And Easter)


I have been at a loss at what to do concerning this little corner of the internet that I created for myself. I had a vision of it being a fun, full of light, place where I could share and experiment and help people while possibly make some money while doing it. But it is also easy to lose that vision to all the other feelings that appear when you share yourself to others.

I have never considered myself a writer, as I have never embodied or related to the “writer stereotype” you see on TV, in books, and at school. You know that person who is constantly working on their next debut novel and/or majoring in Creative Writing in college. I consistently received B’s and C’s for my papers in school. I majored in Music, avoiding as many classes that involved writing. Probably because I hate editing and revising while sticking standards. I don’t want to write a book or the next news breaking article.

But I love writing. I journal. A lot. Filling one each year. There are mostly filled with thoughts and feelings about boys, family drama, and questions about my future. A lot of times I feel like Anne Frank when she wanted to edit and revise those entries that revealed any sort of naiveness or youth. I do feel joy and relief to write it all out and it gives me a chance to contemplate as well as appreciate my world, but these entries are not written to share with the world.


Also Read: Thoughts by a Human…


I get passionate about things, ideas, books, and excited about my adventures on trips. And sharing those things usually turn into words in a text or an instagram caption. Those photos and videos that captured memories that I still dream about sit on my phone and I just have to share them. Because they make me happy.

This blog, when I started it 7 years ago on Blogger.com (remember that??) was intended to be another journal of sorts. But one that was visually pleasing, reader engagement-based, and even business-like. Full of consistently planned posts and Pinterestable graphics – essentially a journal worth the public reading. But it turns out that is not realistic nor interesting to me.

But you know what? I refuse to let all of these feelings of self-doubt and fear stop me. I LOVE to write. I love my little blog and this corner of the internet that I have created here at this website and on my social media profiles. I love sharing and seeing other people’s thoughts and art. I love learning from other human beings. But it is also fun. I enjoy writing these posts, designing graphics and headers. I enjoy posting and commenting and using this corner for good even if it only reaches one person, myself, per post. Well I enjoy it without the self added pressure.

I’m going to keep doing this – whether I have readers or likes. I am no longer going to worry about money or stats. I will start disengaging from the millions of articles titled “How to Build a Blog in 2020” and “How I Made X Amount of Money in 3 Months BLOGGING” on Pinterest.  Now don’t get me wrong, when those things increase or I am inspired by these articles I feel an immense amount of joy and drive for this corner. There is also validation in my hard work. But mostly I love meeting new people and feeling that my world extends farther than my bedroom desk, especially now. I would rather have that fuel my work.

So… Thanks for the Adventure, Blog. I knew that this process would be hard at times and require some soul searching occasionally. But it’s worth it. I am excited to see where this goes. I am excited to share, create, research, read. I am excited to be publically passionate and supportive of other artists and writers. What a world 🙂

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Quarantine Books / Month 2

Quarantine Books / Month 2

I am honestly blown away with how quickly the time, days, weeks, and months are passing through this pandemic, and priorities seem to change on a daily basis. Hence, why posts haven’t necessarily been happening on this platform. But that is OKAY (at least that’s what I tell myself…)

My reading has slowed down quite a bit. I have found a new daily grind and sadly it includes way too much time on my social media apps on my phone instead of reading or creating music. I think it is that desire to connect that everyone is talking about?? That being said, posts are planned and will be posted. I hope someone will read them…

Speaking of reading? Here are the books that I delved into in the month of April 2020 AKA Month 2 of Quarantine Books.


Also read Quarantine Books (March in Books)


WE RIDE UPON STICKS by Quan Barry

Get ready for some literary gushing…This book was an absolute gem to read and I am oh-so-grateful for my bestie, Diana, and the Fantastic Stranglings Bookclub by the Jenny Lawson. I am so glad I read this when I did because I discovered that two of my Top Shelf Vocal gals were also reading it. We started our own little book club over email and it made my heart happy.

IMG_7063Overall, the vibe of the book is funny and realistic with some dark paranormal elements that may or may not be real… The reader spends an entire summer/school year with a high school field hockey team in the 80s. There is every 80s reference one could want as well as teen topics that we all have dealt with. There are hints of feminism, the importance of friendship, and what happens when teen girls grow up. Even though I suffered through high school in the 2010s, I felt that the issues and situations were still very relatable (even now in adulthood) and the jokes were genuinely funny. I was lol-ing in just about every chapter.

The writing was astounding. At first, I had a hard time following the flow. There always seemed to be a lot going on at once without much direction. It wasn’t until I had realized that the POV was not from any one character, or even as third-person, but from the team as a whole. Their entire psyche was connected and telling the story. It added to the vibe and created a seamless storyline.

The characters were the biggest gems (other than the writing). I highly related to Becca, because…the name 😉 and big boob probs. I had definitely worn more than one sports bra to PE and was a proud, secret, member of the BBC (Big-Boobs-Club.) I also loved and related to Julie, since I too grew up in a conservative household, and I thought her very funny. I LOVED that “The Claw” and “Splotch” were their own beings and characters and the “Philip” situation/resolution was to die for.

The setting of the Boston North Shore brought me joy since the previously mentioned bestie is from there. I fell in love with the area when I visited years ago and I miss said bestie. So it was like having her closer, especially since she gifted the book club subscription!

All this being said…I loved it and was genuinely surprised that I loved it so much. My favorite Quarantine Read so far. Boom. You go Quan Barry.

“Hit the Earth three times with your stick. Lift your eyes to the hole in the night. Remember that darkness simply requires another way of seeing. Be your own light. And just like that, you’ll find yourself everywhere and instantly.”       


Read I am Completely Fine…


MANSFIELD PARK by Jane Austen

An absolute classic that, surprisingly, I had never read before…

While not my most favorite Austen novel, it had all the qualities and characters that you can’t help but love in her works.

In my experience, every Austen novel is slow for the first hundred pages or so with long and expressive character development. Some necessary and some of it not. This book seemed to be extremely slow with it not capturing my excitement until the last hundred pages. The ending had the elements that I was hoping for but it seemed sudden and not satisfying. Not like P&P.

The characters were not my favorite and quite annoyed me really. The only redeeming one was Fanny Price, who may be my favorite heroine so far. I absolutely loved her and personally related to her. She had growth and thoughts that have been recorded in my little quote book.

I will say, the 1999 film rendition was absolute perfection, which I watched immediately after finishing the book. While straying from the book it still had that “Austen” essence. Fanny, in the film, was much more outgoing and outspoken. She had much more personality, which made me like her much more in general, but I was still in love with Austen’s original Fanny Price. Scenes were cut or reordered, but it allowed the flow and the themes to shine more. The humor was there and the men were oh-so-dreamy.

Overall, Mansfield Park‘s storyline was very similar to P&P, in my opinion, but still worth reading. There is nothing quite like Jane Austen on a rainy day.

“Her own thoughts and reflections were habitually her best companions.”


Read To All the… (a book review and a love note)


WATER FOR ELEPHANTS by Sara Gruen

*DISCLAIMER* – My reasoning behind reading this novel was based on the fact that I adore the movie. So much so that I purchased the DVD in college, despite not owning a playing device at the time. Also, Robert Pattison is a dream and Reese Witherspoon is a queen.IMG_7133

This was a nice, blissful, read. I love romantic period/historical books and movies so I was already sold to begin with. The storyline feels complete with the characters, events, the climax, and the ending. I will say that I loved the book’s switching back and forth in time in Jacob’s POV.

Jacob, Rosie, and the minor circus characters were by far my favorites. August was an alluring but somewhat boring villain and Marlena was kinda “eh” for me. Jacob was a lovable protagonist who had growth, both in the storyline of his past and future. I especially loved his kooky, somewhat negative, but sweet older self. Rosie was just a joy and I wish she had more moments in the book.

The themes were subtle but very apparent. Animal abuse, human cruelty, human kindness, family – both by blood and chosen, sex, growing up, circus (or outsider) culture, were among the few. There wasn’t one stand-out theme overall but they did add to the story. Overall it was an enjoyable read, simple in some ways but still good. Admittedly, I still like the movie better…

“Keeping up the appearance of having all your marbles is hard work, but important.”

“Life is the most spectacular show on Earth.”


Read Thanks for the Bucketlist #2


Although sometimes I have added a pressure to “read faster” and “read more,” because of my little Bucketlist goal – Books have still been a joyous thing to have. I love stories and different worlds. And sometimes delving into a different one is quite necessary.

Go enjoy the sun, Spring/Summer seems to be coming. Read more. Call more. Write more. Listen more.

Anyways, as always…

Thanks for the adventure, (Quarantine) Books.

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Quarantine Books (March in Books)

Quarantine Books (March in Books)

Well…what a month. I, like many others, did not anticipate this new world and this new normal. At first, like everyone else, I thought I would have much more time to read and I reveled in it. Then about a week into self-isolation after watching the news and the global pandemic unfold, reading became harder.  My anxiety levels soared and my focus turned to other things.

All in all, such good reads this month! I have to give a huge shoutout to The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson), her Fantastic Stranglings Book Club, and my best friend, Diana, who gifted me the best Christmas gift ever. Without this Book Club, I would not have survived this past, pandemic, month, and I would not have read these gems.


Why am I reading so much? (Other than just for the love of stories, books, and attempting to better myself?) Read about my Bucketlist item HERE


AMERICAN SHERLOCK:MURDER, FORENSICS, AND THE BIRTH OF AMERICAN CSI by Kate Winkler Dawson

First off, shout out to Jenny Lawson…the copies sent out for the club were SIGNED! For whatever reason, this made my day and made me feel exponentially more special. This book was different from my typical go-to reads, despite loving true crime and history in general. But…

If you are a true crime lover or fascinated with criminology or historical cases this is a fantastic book to read.

marchbook -4I wasn’t quite sure what I was getting into. As I started I thought it would be the typical, dry, biography of a guy I had never heard of. Albeit it took me a while to get through this, as I would read a chapter then jump back to one of my fiction reads. But each chapter (which was an individual case) read like a narrative with all the facts and emotions both from Heinrich but also the victims and suspects. (Comparable to individual episodes in a docuseries.) Each chapter built upon each other, revealing Heinrich’s failures and triumphs. Each case and trial was exciting to read about and I felt like I was learning and immersed,  instead of being preached to by the author, which happens in biographies at times. It was obviously well researched and it is well written. Overall, enjoyable to read. I loved how the pinnacle case bookended each end of the book and Dawson’s call to action in the epilogue. It is current and relevant.

Now I am waiting for the 1920s/30s period drama with Oscar Heinrich (played by Hugh Laurie possibly??) as the protagonist. Amazon? Hulu? Netflix? Who’s going to take it??

“Oscar never pursued the spotlight-it chased him. A shining light in the dark world of crime, his amazing feats in criminal investigations were unmatched during his time, and that is likely true today.” -Kate Winkler Dawson

“I am not positive that I am doing yet that for which I was created…life is a series of frustrations.” -Oscar Heinrich, quoted by Kate Winkler Dawson


A February themed post about books: To All the… (a book review and a love note) 


FOLLOW ME TO GROUND by Sue Rainsfordmarchbook -3

I will say, even a couple of weeks after finishing this I still can’t say whether or not I understand or loved this read. But I will say Sue Rainsford’s instagram page is one of beauty.

This was dark, haunting, provocative, confusing, but addicting to read. The mystery of who Ada is truly kept me tied in the entire time. It was quick to get through with unique and beautiful writing. The storyline was confusing, but mostly because Ada’s inner dialogue became confusing. The darkness surprised me and I was dissatisfied at the end. But sometimes amazing storytelling has to end that way. What a debut novel. I’m excited to see what else Rainsford writes in the future.


Bucketlist update: 31/52


Well there you go! Month 1 of self-isolation was also a month fueled by the Stranglings Book Club and I am incredibly grateful for it.

I am excited for what is to come, despite all the awfulness in the world right now. I am grateful for this little corner of the internet that is mine and I can share with old and new friends.

Currently reading : WE RIDE UPON STICKS by Quan Barry

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Keep up with my thoughts and feelings during the COVID-19 pandemic. I am keeping a journal series: Thanks COVID-19 pt. 2


Please share a comment! I would love to find other bloggers to follow and befriend. I am also ALWAYS in need of book (and lets be real: Netflix) recommendations.

Here’s to April!

Thanks for the Adventure, Quarantine books…


SOCIALS: Instagram – I literally live on and for this app. This is where most of the action happens.

Facebook – I try here…haha but will post any new blog posts!

Goodreads – All things books are here. I will update as I start and finish and occasionally read all the reviews 🙂

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I am Completely Fine…

I am Completely Fine…

(3/20/20) I obviously started writing this FOREVER ago. Normally I would let it go but in honor of self-isolation, more book reading time, more time in general, and just trying to add positivity here’s a book review of a book I LOVED… Enjoy!


I seem to be feeling always a few steps behind in life right now. But that’s life right?

February flew right on by and brought back the intensity of day to day life, where I can’t necessarily sit in the grass for hours at a time divulging into a book. I wish I could, and I think I am going to make it a priority this next month to make that time for myself instead of mindlessly watching Facebook videos.

This month I am going to share my absolute favorite read from February… Well, I only read two books and one was absolutely horrible and I would rather gush about one that gave me all the feels and joy.

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Read January’s reads: January in Books


ELEANOR OLIPHANT IS COMPLETELY FINE by Gail Honeyman

I am on cloud nine after finishing this book.

IMG_4036A little slow in the beginning, I had a harder time seeing Eleanor’s quirkiness as endearing and funny. But once I let myself be immersed in Eleanor’s world I was hooked. Every character was worth falling in love with. Eleanor’s comments and inner dialogues made me laugh out loud multiple times. There was a quote within every chapter that I was inspired by. I wanted to stay in the world of Eleanor Oliphant.

Honeyman is an incredible, emerging, author. The range of emotion throughout the novel is astonishing. There was enough laughter and light to counteract the very real and dark moments. Eleanor’s experience with depression was very very real. I found myself relating and needing to take a break from the book, because of how familiar her experience was to mine. The theme of loneliness is an important theme and should be talked about more within our society and I thank Honeyman for taking that on and making it such an integral part of the story. I think that is why so many readers love Eleanor. She shows that loneliness is real and okay. I also loved the emphasis Honeyman put on every little thing that brought joy and happiness to Eleanor. Such as noticing details during her walks to the bus stop. And the little, budding, romance made my heart skip beats. I absolutely loved it.

Anyways, I could gush more and more about this little book. I will recommend it to anyone and everyone. And while I love giving books away to share, this one will stay on my bookshelf to be reread.

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“I would never have suspected that small deeds could elicit such genuine, generous responses. I felt a little glow inside–not a blaze, more like a small, steady candle.”                  -Gail Honeyman


You want another book review? Read: To All the… (a book review and a love note)

Even though it has been a month since I was in the world of Eleanor Oliphant, I am feeling more and more thankful for characters like hers and books like this. Characters can help us feel less alone and less isolated. Both in times where you feel symbolically alone, but also physically alone

Like Eleanor, I am completely fine…maybe not by normal standards but for Becca’s standards…I am completely fine in this new world we are living in.

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I really recommend to those who want a moment of escape, since it seems we can’t even escape in our own homes, to find a book or a movie or a show or music to completely fall into. Fall into another world, even for a few moments.

I hope everyone is happy and healthy amongst all the craziness that our world is going through. And all I ask is, stay at home. Social Distance. This isn’t about you. You can make it about you by staying at home and reading a book or watching a movie or face-timing a friend. Let’s come together and flatten that curve and share some love.

Thanks for the Adventure, Eleanor


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Bucketlist goal: 31/52

Thanks COVID-19

Thanks COVID-19

I don’t know where I was going with this when I first started. I mostly needed a place to express my feelings and show others that they are not alone in their feelings. But I also wanted to share some positivity. Browsing social media, listening to podcasts, and talking to friends on the phone I am finding that majority of us are in the same place. Feeling the same feelings and having similar thoughts. We are just processing in our own ways. I really hope everyone is safe and healthy, as well as doing their part to fight this virus and protect those around them.


Today (3/12/20) was a big day for the United States concerning the Corona Virus, and with that brings lots of thoughts.

I have seen many post-apocalyptic movies and have read many books (such as The Giver by Lois Lowry and Anthem by Ayn Rand)…


(3/14/20) Obviously, I didn’t get all my thoughts down on paper at the moment and I’m glad I didn’t. I was full of anxiety, worry, and sadness over all of the uncertainty.

I live in Ventura County (neighboring county to Los Angeles county) and I am in LA 3-4 times a week for rehearsals and social things. Wednesday I thought we would all treat it like the “flu.” Thursday came around and I started to feel the panic myself and by evening the entire future for many people was shaken. Within one day events and rehearsals and jobs were canceled. I found myself needing to writing statements for the groups I sing in and for my online job concerning the virus.  I started getting really scared and realizing that it is more than “just the flu.” I was tracking articles and browsing Facebook and getting frustrated and overwhelmed with the conflicting information, opinions, and lack of sympathy from people. It was a lot.

I want to express my thoughts in my safe little corner of the Internet because writing helps me process and feel better.

—The panic is real. While it seems a little uncalled for and extreme in some places of the country, it is ok to be worried for your family and others. That being said, it does not grant permission to be unkind and selfish. Take what you need (not more than you physically need), share with others, and connect with each other. What other time in our lifetimes has the entire world needed to ban together to support each other…oh wait we always should support each other.

—The judgment of others is not okay, and I am guilty of doing this recently myself. Someone may seem to be “over panicking.” You may see their precautions or statements online to quarantine and take the situation seriously as uncalled for because they are “young,” or “privileged” or “healthy.” The truth is you don’t know. They may be young but have a compromised immune system due to invisible chronic illness or necessary medications. They may be in daily contact with someone they care about who is compromised or in the “risk” age group. We shouldn’t have to worry about what others are thinking of us and we shouldn’t be using our energy in making those statements. And these opinions aren’t new, as accusations like this were made towards others concerning the common flu as well. Let’s respect each other.

—Check your sources. The media is a sticky place to tread through right now. Don’t rely on a shared tweet or graphic with numbers on it, but with no sources. Read the whole story/speech/statement before sharing it or using it to support your argument. Acknowledge all the information, not just the bits that make you feel justified.


(3/16/20) Now, this is turning into a journal of some sorts.

It is now day 2 of my self-quarantine/social distancing. Yesterday I finished one book and started another. I am treating today like any other day sans going out. It helps that it is raining. While it adds to the doomsday feel, it makes staying at home more cozy and justified.

Bars, Restaurants, gyms, etc. are closed in LA (except to fulfill take out orders). Still waiting on more test kits. Numbers are going to go up and I believe that it is going to get worse before it gets better.

The panic and anxiety are subsiding. I am feeling safer and a bit more motivated to take advantage of this time to better myself and my future. Whether that be mentally, physically or even financially.  The first steps have to happen somewhere and some point, and sometimes over and over again. Now is the time that I am choosing to start. (Again.)

My heart is hurting for my freelancer and artist friends who are losing their chance to share their art because of the loss of gigs or students. I feel fortunate, despite losing gigs myself. But I am sure the inability to perform and rehearse will get to me eventually.

I am worried about friends and family who live far away from me. I am worried about my friends in Salt Lake City and my family throughout the country in Washington, Utah, Texas, and Virginia.

I deleted Facebook off my phone, and it has been a lifesaver. No more stress over the misinformed and opinionated and judgment filled posts. Instead, I check it once a day and only see my friends at the top of my feed, which makes me happy. I am also spending less time on my phone. I have kept Instagram and I love it. My feed is full of positive posts, more credited information, music, singing, and books. Lots of books. I feel more able to control what I am absorbing through that app.

A friend posted this on his story and I absolutely love and agree with it:

“Have Courage and be kind. You are not privy to the details of everyone’s situation. Their pre-existing conditions, finances, their loved ones who are already affected. We are better than this. Sensitivity costs you absolutely nothing.”

So shout out to Dayne for sharing that. That has been the one thing that has really disturbed me during the past couple of weeks. The complete lack of empathy and concern for others. It makes me anxious and sad to see.

Now is the time to acknowledge the art and beauty in our lives. Listen to your favorite music, discover some new music. Look at some art and read some poetry. Humans are incredible and it is interesting that people are turning to art and artists during this time. Whether that be through their TV, books, Spotify, etc. I am loving listening to podcasts and music. I am reading more and more. But I haven’t gotten into Netflix yet. For whatever reason, within the past year, I have not enjoyed watching TV. Although I am super excited about the free Metropolitan Opera broadcasts this week…

What a crazy, crazy, time.

Thanks for the adventure, Corona Virus.

To All the… (a book review and a love note)

To All the… (a book review and a love note)

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It is the month of  #Galentines #Valentines #singlesawareness #selflove ….

Everyone is posting about self-love for themselves and appreciation posts for their loved ones. It makes my heart happy to see people so positive and bright. But I am going to be honest: I wasn’t really happy during this most recent Valentine’s and felt some bitterness and sadness. I was feeling lonely and wishing I had that special someone. I was wishing that the holiday was on a weekday instead of a Friday. I was wishing it was just a normal Friday. I was wishing that I wouldn’t feel the pressure to “love myself.”

I do want to point out that it is OK to feel this way. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about loving yourself and truly believe that it is important to love and know yourself before you bring in another person into the mix. I want to promote all of those self-positive things in the internet world but I also don’t want to just follow the crowd. I want to be genuine with what my thoughts are currently. Not with what is trending. So instead I’ll post this – a book review with some little thoughts on love.

I am always scared to post on this blog. In reality, I am scared of having this blog. Sharing thoughts and feelings is not in my nature. But for some reason, I feel that I need to. I always seek like-minded people and others who can offer insight to their experiences. So I guess that is why I am doing it.

What a time to be alive on the Internet.

Also read : The Start of the Adventure

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Last week Netflix released P.S. I love you – the highly anticipated sequel of To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. So, of course, I watched it.

I have been a romantic sap since the idea of love, relationships, human connections, and boys were finally appealing (which was probably around the age of 13.) I love romcoms, old movie musicals, and classic romance novels. But YA romance has been my jam for a very long time and will probably always be my go-to.

I fell in love with the first movie a few months ago. There was a brief time period last year where I avoided any sort of romantically themed entertainment because of heartbreak and boys, but this one was the first romance-themed anything I allowed in. It was perfect. I loved the wittiness, the visuals, the acting, and of course the story.  So with the announcement of the new movie and the need for some beach reads and what I call, “bubble-gum reads,” I went to the library and checked out all three novels for my trip to Cancún this past November.

TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE TRILOGY by Jenny Han

These books had all the quintessential charm that I love with YA romances – a protagonist that is witty, charming, and endearing. She doesn’t quite fit in and has quirks that I (as a female and equally quirky reader) could relate to. She is a dreamer and she is intelligent. I relate to her but also want to be her. She is real, makes mistakes, and is inspiring.  The themes of race identity, sisterhood, family, and love are all over this series. But there are also the real emotions of what it is like to experience love for the first time. There is the heartbreak, the fear and the bravery it takes to fall for someone. Even though I am a twenty-something-year-old, I have been experiencing a lot this “love” stuff for the first time in the past couple of years. So maybe it was just good universe timing to come across these books, but I found them very relatable and enjoyable despite being well past high school age. (Which you can’t say about all YA books…) Jenny Han nailed it and I want to be her best friend.

Also read : January in Books

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BOOKS OR MOVIES??

Books. Books all the way. The first movie is great and preferably better as a stand-alone film. No need for a sequel. Again it had all of the charms as the first book. But the second movie just didn’t do it for me. “But I want to know what happens, Becca!” Well… Read the books to find out what happens with our favorite Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky is all I can say.

The sequel film was cute. It had the beauty and the things we loved about the first movie. Our favorite characters and actors could be seen in all their glory – with their desirable vintage wardrobes and perfect eyelashes. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE these actors and have delved into the rabbit hole of endless internet interviews with them. But when it comes to the story the second movie didn’t really do it for me. Mostly because of John Ambrose’s character. In the movie, he still wasn’t even near in competition with PK. In the book though…he was winning for me. Better LJ and JA moments are all over and there is much more Stormy (whom I love dearly.) The characters are developed better (you go Jenny Han), and the turmoil of PK and LJ is more intense.

So books. Books always win.

“Love is scary: it changes; it can go away. That’s the part of the risk. I don’t want to be scared anymore.”
Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before


Now for little love letters…

“To all those friends who I have loved before…

I still love you. And always will. Even if we don’t see or even speak to each other – you mean a lot to me as you have affected me and my life. My life and how I view the world has been shaped in some way by you. Thank you for sharing the time and the moments with me. Thank you for being part of the memories. Thank you for making me laugh and smile. Thank you for standing there as I cried, complained, or acted simply ridiculous. Thank you for accepting my quirks and for supporting me. Thank you for still loving me.

Love, Becca”

“To that person who means more to me than they know…

I still love you. There is so much to say, but not really the words to express it all. I have felt the entire range of emotions with you. I have felt sadness, anger, but also utter joy and giddiness with you. You are the first person who I have truly felt that desire to put your happiness first above my own. You have opened up my mind to new things and a new life.  I have felt your love. I love our memories. I love our habits and little phrases we say to each other every time we are together. I love the little things – every little hug and handhold. Now, who knows what will happen. Maybe the stars will finally align. I miss you, I am so proud of you, and I will talk to you soon.

Love, Becca”

Lastly…

“To Becca…

I still love you. Even though I will self-depreciate, criticize, and judge you I still think you are pretty great. You have accomplished so much and have legitimate dreams that are worth pursuing. You are beautiful, but it is also ok to not like what you see or how you feel. You are human. Anyways, this is a little weird but…I love you and you are worth loving.

Love, Becca”

Also read : Thoughts by a Human…


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Thanks to love for influencing almost every part of our lives and being the one feeling that every human being can understand and can use to connect.

Thanks for the Adventure, Love.

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January in Books

January in Books

Back to the books books books! This past month I let myself completely delve into whatever book I wanted and it was great! During the Holidays, I was gifted an Amazon Kindle (for all those future trips I hope….) and fell in love with it surprisingly, as I LOVE the feeling of a real book. I also tried my best to get through a giant stack that I had spontaneously checked out from my local library.

I am still aiming to complete my Bucket list item!

Related: Thanks for the Bucketlist #2


HUNGER GAMES TRIOLOGY by Suzanne Collins

5 Stars

I had a blast rereading these. I read them on my Kindle as they were free in the Kindle Unlimited Library. After each book, I watched the corresponding movie. I loved these books when they first came out and I loved them again. The writing, the suspense, the characters were just what I wanted out of a consuming, fun, YA read.

Are you Team Gale or Team Peeta? Back in the day, I was Team Gale all the way. I couldn’t help but sympathize with him and I loved the idea of a long-time friend turning into a long-time love. (Well let’s be real…I still love and believe in that idea.) This time around, Team Peeta. More realistic. The better person in the long run. I mean the end of Mockingjay….c’mon Gale…

Fun Fact: I read the first book merely months after it was first published, thanks to the recommendation by Stephenie Meyer on her website. Which I followed and read religiously at that time. I simply grabbed it off the shelf of the library, as no one knew about it. I had to wait a year and a half for Catching Fire, and by that point, it literally caught fire amongst my age group.

“Better to not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to pull yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

“I’ll tell them how I survive it. I’ll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I’m afraid it could be taken away. That’s when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I’ve seen someone do. It’s like a game. Repetitive. even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play.”            -Suzanne Collins in Mockingjay


ELEANOR AND PARK by Rainbow Rowell

4 Stars

This was another sweet, fast, endearing read. I picked it up on a day I was feeling extremely anxious and needed something to pull me away from my problems quickly. This was absolutely perfect. Within an hour I was 70 pages in and hooked. I fell in love with the characters. The emotions were real and extremely relatable. First love is no joke and this novel nailed it right on the head. It touched on deeper topics such as race, poverty, self-esteem, body image and social pressures. It had a sad ending, leading to tears on my end, but there is just enough hope in where I could imagine where I wanted it to go. Which made me feel better overall. Someone recommended to me to read all of Rowell’s books, which I plan on doing.

“There was something about the music on that tape. It felt different. Like, it set her lungs and stomach on edge. There was something exciting about it, and something nervous. It made Eleanor feel like everything, like the word, wasn’t what she’d thought it was. And that was a good thing. That was the greatest thing    -Rainbow Rowell in Eleanor and Park


MATCHED by Ally Condie

3 Stars

The premise is interesting and of course, I live for a love triangle/story. Even cheesy and unrealistic YA ones. I gave the third star for Condie’s writing. There were simply beautiful passages that were almost poetic. The descriptions were artistic and enjoyed her overall tone.

That being said, the reason I didn’t love this dystopian YA romance was simply the character development. Especially concerning the main heroine, Cassia. Love her and what she represents but her growth and change didn’t make sense to me. She begins as one of the “citizens,” naive and oblivious to the underlying evils. You sense that events chapter after chapter are an important discovery but they don’t line up with her sudden change to “rebel.” It’s as if the author knew what Cassia would be but not where she came from. I was bothered by that. Her sudden love for Ky also did not make sense. There was no major dilemma or choice that she made to not be with Xander, despite the sweet passages, in the beginning, all the way through halfway in the book. Again, seemingly very sudden. No sense of story arc as well. Overall struggled.

I’m still going to read the other two as I have this incessant need to know what happens. Especially if the answer is sitting on my bookshelf…

“Every minute you spend with someone gives them a part of your life and takes part of theirs.”       -Ally Condie in Matched


Related: July in Books

Honorable mentions…Those that I started but didn’t finish because of Library due dates…

MANSFIELD PARK by Jane Austen

THE WOMAN WHO SMASHED CODES: A STORY OF TRUE LOVE, SPIES, AND THE UNLIKELY HEROINE WHO OUTWITTED AMERICA’S ENEMIES by Jason Fagone

I’m excited for my February reads. I am joining a couple of book clubs and I never know what I’ll find in the library.

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Thanks for the Adventure Books!

Bucketlist update: 27/52


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Thanks Twenty-Nineteen

Thanks Twenty-Nineteen

We are a few weeks into a new DECADE! Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Even though I am late on the “New Years” trend, I want to acknowledge how good 2019 was despite all those hard, scary, and emotional moments. I want to acknowledge how much I have learned and changed for the good! I was talking with a friend and we started discussing our last year’s resolutions and goals. I completely surprised myself. While I wasn’t completely “successful” with those pesky annual resolutions (lose weight, make more money, yadadada), but every big thing or goal that I set I achieved! Really though,  2019 was oh so good. (Not like 2015. That seemed like a rough year for everyone. lol.)

Early January 2019 I officially made the decision to move from Utah to California. This was HUGE and spontaneous. Even though I said I had wanted to move to sunny CA ever since middle school, but actually doing it was very different. And very scary – financially and emotionally. I really had nothing to lose and much more to gain so I told myself to not renew my lease or go searching for reasons to stay and get ready…

It was HARD. So so hard. Lots of tears were shed, panic attacks endured, promises made and broken, goodbyes said…There were many reasons I wanted to stay…BUT I DID IT!!

I learned that change and growth are inevitable. Even if you try to stop it, it still happens. But I also learned that we humans have so much power in that we can manipulate the results (to a certain extent) to be a positive experience.

Closing chapters is difficult and there will always be things that you feel like you are leaving behind. Not everything (or everyone) can come with you.

But I did it 🙂

I made it a goal to find a job (or jobs…). And not just any job, but something I will enjoy and will push me towards a CAREER I want. Now I didn’t know what direction to go (and  still don’t.) But I have explored. I’ve had the most jobs in the last six months than I have ever had…Now that sounds terrible from a professional standpoint. BUT…I found those jobs. I applied and applied and applied and managed to talk my way into some good learning and fun-filled experiences. I have also survived financially (barely) and I am proud of that.

I started a new church job – playing the piano for the choir and services at a local Methodist church. I have made connections and friends that I will probably keep for years. A door was opened into that area’s music world. And for me, every music opportunity is an opportunity for growth – as I am constantly doubting and hard on myself and my talents. Also, the church has a view of the ocean and I make sure to set aside some “beach time” every week – which is the most healing thing. The beach is my happy place.

I worked a temp job at a school photography company where I not only saw the behind-the-scenes of that kind of business but learned a lot about the local vibe from people who have lived here their whole life. I made some friends. I also quickly learned (like after the first day) that I do not enjoy desk jobs. I was only there 4 hours a day and I could barely make it through. It is not my vibe and I had to tell myself over and over again – it is OK.

I got a fully remote/online job and I love it. There is freedom and breathing room for me to do what I want and when. I feel the possibility of growth, change, and permission to set my own goals and defend my ideas within this particular business I’m working with.

I have learned I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling tied and forced to stay somewhere because of strong commitments to something I really don’t care for (such as a mediocre job- that pays, kinda, but isn’t fulfilling.) I love feeling like I have the power to say yes or no to opportunities such as gigs or just fun vacations. I love feeling like I can make my day how I want it to be without a huge influence from a set-in-stone, every day, schedule. I love freedom.

I wanted to grow in music. I wanted to continue what I have been doing in the last decade and not become one of those who studied and dedicated their lives to something to only put money, success, and stability above it and completely change directions after school to only regret it later. Whew…

I have done so much music in 2019. Along the way, it felt like nothing. I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing much.  That I was only doing the minimal amount, without much growth. I felt my failures. I self-analyzed and admittedly put myself down (as that is how I cope with trying to avoid disappointment…) But reflecting back…I sang with the Utah Symphony and Utah Opera. I auditioned and successfully joined Caroling, Top Shelf Vocal, Premiere and sang backups for artists like ROZEN. So many new things and new possibilities. I have met so many new people and new worlds/options have opened up. What a ride.

I do feel changed. A lot of personal changes (that I am not quite ready to share on the public internet haha) have occurred in the past year. The view that I have of myself has changed. How I see myself in the mirror and the future is constantly changing. I have discovered that while you may be on a path with people or forces pushing you along, ultimately it is your hard work and bravery to jump that makes it happen. I did it. I made those changes. Made the move. Went to the audition. yadadada. No one else. I am trying to embrace fear and feel like I am (somewhat/most of the time) succeeding. And I want to keep doing that in 2020.

2019 was my year of change – big and small – and I am oh so grateful for it.

Thanks for the Adventure Twenty Nineteen.

 

Thanks(giving) for the Adventure

Thanks(giving) for the Adventure

With the Thanksgiving week ending and everything quickly switching to the full Holiday season, I want to quickly share some “Thanks” on my corner of the internet.

And I won’t lie but what inspired this post, besides the yearly social media posts that occur during Thanksgiving week… World Kindness Day was awhile back. In memory of Mister Rogers in his adorable red cardigan, who shared the message that all deserve to be loved and all are valued, no matter our differences. I, personally, learned many subtle life lessons from Mister Rogers when I was little and I am just glad that they are still being remembered and shared.

“The greatest thing we can do 

is to help someone know that they are

loved and capable of loving.”

– Mister Rogers

So…

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Thanksgiving 2019… Things I am grateful for…

  • Health – my body is pretty incredible. It’s been through a lot and has some scars inside and out. There are some things that are happening that are a mystery to me, but my body is still thriving despite it. Love your body – faults, quirks and all.
  • Family – family is always something to be grateful for. Whether they are blood or not, my family is the reason I keep going. There is something about a group of people loving and supporting you unconditionally. They may also bring some pain and sadness, but there is always unconditional love being spun around.
  • Friends – my friends are my family. They are everything. They are the ones who have seen me at my best and my absolute worst. I can’t think of the words of how I want to express my love for them, so this will have to do. I love you, my friends! Go find yourself a good friend, and keep them. You won’t regret it.
  • Community – there is something special about feeling like you are truly a part of something. Whether that be through music, work, religion, the internet, and so on and so on. People are amazing and we can learn so so much from each other. Please, if you are lonely, know that you deserve a community. You can find one or create one with those around you. If you have one, bring others in. We all deserve it.
  • Kindness – so little can go such a long way. One thing can inspire so much. I appreciate every little act, smile, and word given to me this past year. And in trying to share more kindness myself, I am finding that I am kinder to myself and I recognize the little moments around me. See the kindness, and add some kindness to your world around you.

    “There are three ways to ultimate success:

The first way is to be kind.

The second way is to be kind.

The third way is to be kind.”

-Mister Rogers

  • And lastly…Adventures – life, in general, is an adventure. It is why I started recording my life on this little blog and named it the way I did. I am grateful for every adventure, big or small. Adventures with my mood (because that’s real), adventures with my health, music, relationships. Adventures with exploring and traveling. There is so so much to see and experience and learn.

So… Wear a cardigan, watch some Mister Rogers, share some kindness, read some books, find the beauty, explore the world around you and…

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Thanks(giving) for the Adventure.

My Scary Bucketlist Goal…

My Scary Bucketlist Goal…

With #worldmentalhealthday last week and the latest trends of #mentalhealthawareness I have felt the pull to share my personal experiences and thoughts on it. That was part of my list of original intentions of why I started this blog. (See my About page…)

But in all reality, I have been TERRIFIED. I have had posts planned and half written for months. I have been scared of any sort of backlash – legitimate opinions that I am not qualified to share because I am privileged with wonderful friends and family. My struggles are no where near as terrible and painful as someone else next to me. I have been scared of sharing what I feel is one of my biggest weaknesses, and the thing that I have been most ashamed of the past couple of years.

The truth is: I know what it’s like, for me, to not understand why I am feeling so sad in such positive and exciting circumstances. I know what it’s like to jump from overjoy to depression in the matter of moments. I know what it’s like to not be able to breath from anxiety. I know what it’s like to not be able to eat because my insides are curled up from panic. I know what it’s like to have panic attacks where I am physically sore for days after. I know what it’s like to sob. I know what it’s like to be in the dark. I know what it’s like to question my worth and value due to my mental health, which can be hard to explain to others.

Fear is one of the biggest attributes of my life and when I see friends and myself shying away from potentially incredible moments because of fear I’m usually the first one to say, “Go for it! Since it’s scary it will only be more worth it!” but that is much easier said than done. But I’m going to do it and make it part of my Bucketlist…

Do one scary thing.

It is a Bucketlist item that will always be re-added to the list, because there will always be something scary to do, share, say, sing, live, attempt, etc. Once this, sharing my mental health journey, is not as scary, there will always be something else to add.

So take a listen to those closest to you. Understand that you won’t always understand, but are willing to share love. Be a listening ear and be willing to share. Whether that be with yourself in a journal, to a close friend or family member, or a therapist (highly recommended!)

Please comment, message, share! I know connecting with others always helps me (so I may be being a little selfish in wanting to make more internet friends ;)) so please message away!

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Thanks for the Adventure

Thanks for the Adventure, Scary Bucketlists….